new research suggests unconventional relationships are just as satisfying
- Written by Joel Anderson, Associate Professor in LGBTIQA+ Psychology, La Trobe University
From The Bachelor to Married at First Sight, reality TV sells us the idea that one perfect partner will complete us.
The formula is familiar: find “the one,” lock it down and live happily ever after.
But behind the rose ceremonies and fairytale weddings lies a very different reality.
Read more: Is reality TV 'harmful'? We asked 5 experts – including an ex-reality TV participant[1]
Monogamy as a gold standard?
A new meta-analysis[2] challenges the long-held belief that monogamous relationships are more satisfying than non-monogamous ones.
The study used data from more than 24,000 people from around the world, including Australia. It reported no significant difference in relationship or sexual satisfaction between people in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships.
This changes the way we can think about relationships.
For years, people have assumed monogamy (the exclusive romantic and sexual commitment to one person) is the gold standard.
But it turns out the secret to fulfilling relationships might not be about exclusivity at all. It seems to be more about honesty, communication and mutual agreement – regardless of how many people are involved.
A long-held assumption
The belief that monogamy leads to more satisfying relationships feels like common sense for most people.
It’s consistently reinforced by our experiences of the world, ranging from childhood fairytales to government policies – there’s no “polyamorous” box on your tax return, for example. Most movies end with one couple walking off into the sunset together to live happily ever after.
Popular culture hasn’t done much to challenge this assumption.
Non-monogamous relationships are rarely depicted on screen and when they are – like in Wanderlust[3] or You Me & Her[4] – they’re often shown as chaotic, emotionally fraught and destined to collapse.
These ideas create what we have called the “monogamy-superiority myth”: the assumption monogamous relationships are more satisfying, more loving and more stable than alternative forms of relationships.
So what is consensual non-monogamy?
Consensual non-monogamy comes in many forms but the key aspect is everyone involved agrees that having multiple romantic or sexual partners is okay.
The explicit awareness of all involved means these relationships are grounded in consent, communication and mutual respect.
They come in many forms, such as:
- open relationships: where couples may have sex with others but maintain a strong emotional bond to each other
- polyamory: where people may have multiple romantic or emotional partnerships at the same time
- monogamish: where mostly monogamous couple allow some degree of sexual activity with others, usually with clear, consensual boundaries (such as when travelling)
- swinging: where committed couples engage in sexual activities with other people, often in a social or party setting.
These relationships typically involve detailed conversations about values, needs and boundaries.
As a result, people in these relationships often report higher levels of trust, communication and intentionality[5] in their relationship.
What our study found
Our recent meta-analysis explored how people in monogamous and non-monogamous relationships compare on a range of relationship and sexual satisfaction dimensions. These included intimacy, passion, trust, sexual fulfilment and overall relationship happiness.
We concluded people in non-monogamous relationships are just as satisfied as those in monogamous ones.
The study also found this to be true for both heterosexual and LGBTQIA+ participants, challenging another stereotype: that non-monogamy is a “lifestyle choice[7]” for queer people, rather than a legitimate relationship preference.
So if non-monogamous relationships aren’t less satisfying, why do people think they are?
Openness and stigmas
In many monogamous relationships, the most common cause of dissatisfaction or breakup is cheating[8]: when exclusivity is assumed but not upheld, trust can be shattered.
Consensual non-monogamy relationships, by contrast, build openness into their structure. By agreeing on boundaries from the start, partners may avoid some of the betrayals that hurt monogamous relationships most.
People in these relationships often face stigma, discrimination and systemic barriers. They may be less likely to disclose[9] their relationship status to doctors, therapists, or employers, fearing judgement or misunderstanding.
Their relationships are rarely recognised legally and social assumptions often paint them as unstable, overly sexual, or emotionally detached.
Yet many people in non-monogamous relationships are thriving despite the stigma – most likely because of the trust and communication these relationships require.
The secret to satisfaction
These findings are not suggesting everyone should be non-monogamous; monogamy works well for lots of people.
But this research shows us that relationship satisfaction doesn’t depend on exclusivity – it depends on whether partners feel seen, supported and aligned in their values.
Health-care providers, educators and policymakers should be aware that not all families or partnerships follow a traditional relationship structure – and that’s OK.
Recognising consensual non-manogamy relationships can help reduce stigma, improve access to support, and promote wellbeing for people in all types of partnerships.
Love and relationships simply aren’t a one-size-fits-all situation.
While reality TV may keep trying to churn out monogamous fairytales, real life is a lot more diverse and, as it turns out, just as fulfilling.
References
- ^ Is reality TV 'harmful'? We asked 5 experts – including an ex-reality TV participant (theconversation.com)
- ^ A new meta-analysis (www.tandfonline.com)
- ^ Wanderlust (www.rottentomatoes.com)
- ^ You Me & Her (www.rottentomatoes.com)
- ^ trust, communication and intentionality (link.springer.com)
- ^ NDAB Creativity/Shutterstock (www.shutterstock.com)
- ^ lifestyle choice (www.usatoday.com)
- ^ cheating (journals.sagepub.com)
- ^ less likely to disclose (link.springer.com)
Authors: Joel Anderson, Associate Professor in LGBTIQA+ Psychology, La Trobe University
